Contact me. Within reason.

I’ve been getting a lot of strange emails lately. I don’t mean requests for used undies or the like. I mean things like*:

  • Give me [something]! [No. Eff off. ]
  • I can’t find something/anything/everything on your blog! Show me where it is/send it to me/tell me how to find it! [There’s a search bar in the top right hand corner. Put your words in there.]
  • Pdfs don’t work for me! Send me everything free on your blog as a Word document. [ಠ_ಠ]
  • Why do I have to download your Friday Freebies? It’s such a pain. Send them to me by email instead. [Die. Now. Please.]
  • Teach me to WordPress! [Use Google. Look up spelling and grammar check while you’re at it].
  • My wife can’t find any Freebies. Send her directions. [Use the m*trtrucking search bar].
  • Where are all teh books? [ಠ_ಠ]
  • I don’t want to have to read the whole post just show me where the book is! [Die slowly from systemic herpes. Please.]
  • That super rare pattern/magazine that sells for $50+ on ebay? I’ll give you $10 for it. That should cover international postage too. So when can you send it? [ಠ_ಠ| ಠ_ಠ| ಠ_ಠ]
  • That thing you’re selling on ebay? Bring it to such and such location and I’ll give you $5 more than your starting price. I think that’s a good compromise. When you can meet me? [Never.]
  • Scan such and such book for me! A variant on this is “Oh such and such book would be so useful for my kids/mum/grandma/school/church. *sigh*. Oh wait! You have a scanner don’t you?” [Yes. And for $40, so can you! Also, the book you want is on ebay now for $6 on a ‘buy now’ listing with free shipping. Would you like a cost-benefit analysis or A/B statistical testing on that decision?]

And my favourite:

  • But I’m not good at Googling. Can’t you just do it? [ಠ_ಠ]

There are no stupid questions. Just people that expect others to Google things for them. To quote the internet:

"I weep for their inevitable and unplanned children."

Actually, I made a handy flow chart instead. Hopefully it’ll help the poor dears deal with the complexities of life on the internet-without having to contact me. Said chart is now above the contact form on my ‘Find Me‘ page. Click to enlarge.

Ask NOT what I can do for you.

All emails fulfilling the ‘go away’ criteria will be banished to the spam folder. Forthwith.

Happily I haven’t been asked to ‘practice my sewing’ by making free clothes for anyone yet.

*My actual email responses are polite and to the point. So please don’t contact me telling me to ‘be nice(r)’. 

More hilarious hideousness here.

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